Nobody

I miss y'all. Old anime server napster friends, and those from EoFF. Finally starting to use the internet more again. But I've lost my groove of getting "into" it. I need to find my edge. Somehow I moved attention more toward MySpace (*EVIL*). But that's 'cause I started paying more attention to my offline life. Know more people offline there :[ But honestly I've yet to ever have a friend as close as I've had online. Don't want to start an online/offline quality debate. I do miss the quality. I don't care where I find it. Sadly I've only found it online. Though its not here anymore. Life feels sorta unpopulated all around. Hence me coming here. Boredom. Desperation. Dunno. I have friends. But everyone feels more like just an acquaintance. Really empty relationships. I don't know how to improve the quality of hanging out with people. Maybe I've become really boring. Usually I'm funny. Especially offline, or perhaps in chats. I guess I enjoy hanging out in larger groups than one-on-one? Dunno what happened there. I used to really enjoy and cherish talking to people in person. Now I can't seem to find a way to break out of small talk. Yet when people are around I make a total fool of myself. People laugh. Its awesome. But that's all very opportunistic. And you get more opportunities with more people. I haven't intentionally tried to follow this path, but it happened. And now I realize I don't have people in my life I can confide in when I have problems. Which I hate. But I don't know what to do about it

So... lately I've been completely obsessing over music. The right songs can have hugely positive affects on your life. With the right song in your head you can do anything. Not saying it can control you. But can definitely amplify. Or make things feel more accute. Example: I've gotten into this band called Nick Black. They have this awesome visual appeal as each band member has a representitive avatar of them in a gothy anime-esque style. And they each are represented by an inverse card symbol. Nick being the King of Hearts. Suicide king as its been called. Their music speaks for itself. Its very good quality. Passionate, strong and hard. Its rock. I like it. But that's not what I'm getting at. Their main release is a song called "Sorry". But its not about being sorry. Its about not being sorry. In an interview that's up on youtube and their myspace Nick explains that the song is like "I messed up. And I was sorry. But now you've screwed up and hurt me too. So I'm not sorry anymore. Now we're even". Its not about holding a grudge or wollowing in guilt. Its about letting things go. There's a really dark music video that goes with it that really doesn't convey its message very well, but for dark gothy people the video itself is cool enough xD But in the interview Nick also explains the band's overall message. Life sucks. People hurt you. You hurt other people. Or let people walk all over you. We all know this and can relate to something or other about it. The whole point behind this band is not about Nick, or his band, its about not taking any crap anymore. Shit happens and life sucks, but don't let it get you.

And so I'm constantly on the hunt now. Mostly non-mainstream. Usually very "emo", but not in the sound. I like alternative vocal type rock. But its got to have a point, and has to be very good in quality. I can not stand screamo. But anyway. I just want good rock music that talks to me. Gets me through the day. Music has been the companion I can confide in. Which is sad and kind of scary, despite how fitting it is artistically. I want real companionship. I used to be love-sick. Since I've realized the value of friends, and know what people mean when they say things like "Bros before hos" and how friends can and will be there for you forever despite how your relationship may let you down. I'm friend-sick. And stifling that pain with music. But that's only a temporary fix. Hence me putting my phone number up on EoFF lol... I don't even need anything dramatic "I have to talk to you about how much my life sucks!" just... someone fun/funny sometimes to bullshit with. And don't get me wrong. I have to admit something. 'Cause sometimes people do talk to me. And I don't even know what to do with that anymore :( I'm sorry. So any efforts that went unappreciated. It just wasn't conveyed. It was appreciated. I'm just blah. I know you're there. And thank you. Y'all are awesome and I wish I could help us be closer :] Bear with me? I need to re-learn, or be taught again, the ways of internet fun :]

I'm gonna stop rambling now. Love hugs and kisses all around. Thank you for reading. You are special :D Bye byes and ta ta for now!

( Hmm )

What?

She's your friend :{

Funny thing is there was this girl in elementary I had this huge crush on. And throughout school it kept coming back everytime she came around (she kept changing schools and coming back). Eventually I realized it never really went away. I just didn't notice because she wasn't around to arouse it. I'll admit a crush and love are hard to differentiate, especially your first crush, which is so empowering you become very loyal to it in such a way that the difference is negligible. It basically is love. And love for me is never ending. So when it doesn't work out, I have to get away from that person. I still love Leah. That little girl from kindergarten I used to make laugh every day. Grew up into this gorgeous sassy and horribly troubled young lady that I desperately wanted to save. Amy in highschool. And Molly in my first years of adulthood. People my heart just can't let go of. And for better or worse, Alyssa, you poor thing, you've been placed in the upper eschelon of my heart with them. I don't choose this. All I can do is deal with it. But I don't regret any of it. These are some amazing women, and I think they deserve so much love :] Just the way I am. For better or worse. I can't, wouldn't change

( Private. But read if you like. Nosey :) )

I miss you all :)

I'll be back by the end of next month. Promise

Now a little tab on matt-chu / Vyk / Senpai. Life's looking up. Health's looking down. Its odd. I haven't been normal in almost a year. With the heart condition I was supposed to stay away from stimulants like caffeine and stuff. Stimulates the sympathetic nervous system, which then freaks my heart out. Bye bye pop. Then when my cousin died I scarved a whole thing of oreos or something and gave myself a diabetic sugar attack. Not sure if I've completely recovered from that. My heart seems to be okay. I'm dropping down on my medications. But I always feel pressure inside of me. My heart still feels like its glubbing. But I'm guessing that's a sugar thing. Hydration seems to help. And reading labels -_- I hate it, but I'm getting by. I'm honestly not completely convinced arrythmeas and high blood sugar is the cause of my lack of normal-ness. But its all I have to go on right now. I'm surviving

So health seems to be at least maintaining the status quou even if it's not actually getting better. Life on the other hand. Its turned into a rollercoaster. And not the stressed out dramatic kind of life rollercoaster. I'm in a keen position to retaliate against my job after all these years of using me as a scapegoat and treating me like dirt. Get them fined for things like sexual discrimination giving a raise to a girl given the same position as me, but I never got a raise. In fact the only people who get raises AND promotions are women. I could get them in trouble for the health and safety standards not being regarded at all. Get 'em auditted for screwing up people's pay so much. An investigative audit could really hurt them if their assets have to be frozen. I'm leaning toward the vindictive side. 'Cause someone got a promotion and it went to her head. God status. Unqualified god status. She keeps breaching privacy. If you're a manager and you write someone up. You don't talk about it to the rest of their co-workers like it's small talk. It has to stay up in management. I'm not going to go into further detail. But she just plain lacks the mental discipline to handle the responsibilities. All she cares about is herself and that everyone give her respect. Despite the fact that she doesn't deserve it. And won't get it. And its causing tension. But I'm about to burst it. I'll try to talk to a lawyer next week to see what organizations I can talk to in order to put a squeeze on them. Its turned into a sweatshop shelter where they have absolutely no appreciation for their workers. And I hate to say but there's also a lot of corruption going on up top. Embezzling from a non-profit shelter seems kinda low. They'll get theirs..

Geno got fired. The dude that's watched out for me since he got hired last spring. A jack of all trades. He doesn't need a job. And if he really wanted one, he's certified all across the spectrum. He can run a forklift, back-ho, lay pipes, do plumbing, heating, air conditioning, electrical, gas, roofing, siding, auto mechanics. He's been everywhere and done everything. Tries to teach me what he can when he can. Helped me out many times. And I've always returned the favors when I can. He's constantly borrowing money from me. And because I don't give him any flack for it, and I'm always there for him and he knows I'm a good guy and really likes me, he's making me some really insane deals

He's had quite a few jobs lined up for me. He's buying a new house. Just got finalized yesterday. I'll probably be helping him move in the next few days. And then me and my buddy Jason from work will move into his old house together and rent it for cheap. Geno's having his mom move in with him. And he's letting my mom and sister move into that house for cheap.

Some of you know, I've been living at home all this time. I'm almost 25. Its because of the cost of living. And I care too much. My sister's almost 30, working part time, at minimum wage. My dad's dead. My mom just can't afford to live alone. We pay $500/month here. The gas is insane, it's been up to like 600 some months. Its killer. And with insurance and other utilities she just can't cope it alone. I try to pay $400 a month to help out. But I have bills of my own

This house is all electric. Both Geno's and his mom's. So neither me or my mom will have a gas bill. Yay. He's charging 400 a month on each house. So my mom's saving 100 a month on rent, and 600 on gas. I'm sure electric's going to be higher since it runs everything, but I have faith that she can handle it. I'll still pay her 100 or so a month for my car insurance. And I'll be doing my laundry at her house. We don't have a gas washer or dryer, but Geno got his cousin to sell us a set. Wanted 200 for it. But his cousin started borrowing beer money from me. And everything I gave him, he doubled it and knocked it off the price. Now I only owe 40 :)

Jason's going to cover most of the costs of living in our house together. He doesn't have a car payment and his car insurance is a lot cheaper. Plus he owes me. I loaned him hundreds of dollars to help him with a credit card debt. And I got him on my cell phone plan so he can pay on that

Unfortunately all this loaning has dipped into my travel money. But they both promise, whenever I'm ready to go. The money (and even the way) will be ready. Life is looking up. I hope I live long enough to enjoy it

New job. New home. Possibly tons of cash if I file law suits against my employer and win

Something even more interesting happened yesterday though...

Geno in all his benevolence and some weird adoration he has for me now that I'm under his wing. He's offered to not just rent this house to me. He said he'd sell it to me. At almost 20,000 less than its worth. Which is amazing. I can't financially do it. Even if I tried he'd probably have to co-sign for the mortgage loan. But even if I drown in debt. Jason will be helping for almost a year (then Jason inherits his brother's house, who is moving. Similar to how I'm acquiring this). Then if I can't cope. I can sell the house for its actual price. And make 15,000 - 20,000 profit

Like money in the bank, Geno says

On top of that, bank reposessions on houses sell for INSANELY cheap. There's a city near here that had one house advertised early last year. 5 bedrooms. 2.5 baths. For 19,000 -_-

Best case scenario obviously. But a house like that could sell for well over 100,000. I'd be looking at an 80,000 profit @_@

No matter what, if I buy Geno's house, its a HUGE head-start on life. I almost have to take it. However possible

Too bad I'm drowning in debt as it is

Probably be moving in to the new home early next month. The reason I'm never online is I'm always hanging out with Jason. Now we'll be living together so I'll be around him and be online :)

I'll see you all soon. Wish me luck. Miss you all. Love, hugs, and kisses wherever appropriate :P

Bye

I don't know how best to say this. I know eventually I have to let you go. There's no getting around it. It feels as though shrugging you off does an injustice to your memory. I can't help but think you'd understand. But I still feel guilty. Moving on. I'm sure that's normal. But for the sake of my own sanity, if your spirit can see this, I just wanted to make it known. I have to get on with my life. And live my life. For you. For my dad. For everyone I care about. So I hope it doesn't seem as though I quit caring, or stop missing you. I never stopped thinking about my dad. Which should be evident as much as I mention him while talking about you :] He's always on my mind. And now you are too. But I'm not going to tarnish the idea of thinking about you by letting that thinking hold me back.

But before I go, there's things I'd like to say that I can't even express. You've had a bigger impact on my life than you could imagine. When I was a kid and got pulled out of school and dragged home to find my house a smoking ruin. Lost to fire. You were the first one on the scene. Stayed and helped as late as you could. Sympathized deeply toward me. And when it was all over and the shock faded away, you were there again. I lost everything. Toys, clothes, memories... You bought me my first new outfit. That meant so much to me

You were there the second time I got dragged out of school. In fact, you were my escort. And I don't think I would have rathered ride with anyone else to the hospital to say goodbye to my dad

Losing dad financially ruined mom. Again you were there. A gift of spare dollars. Hundreds of spare dollars. You didn't wait for a thank you. You knew you wouldn't get it, she would have handed the money right back instead. You were a wonderful man, and I learned so much about being a good person from you.

I've always got dad watching over me. I hope I've made him proud. I know you had your faults. I'm not trying to make you out to be the greatest person in my life. So don't think I missed anything and am misjudging you. I have my faults too. And I know you'd forgive them of me. I hope you'll always watch over me now too. It'd be an honor. I've always looked up to you. I won't try to define my life solely on your good deeds. We can't be goody-two-shoes and miss out on some fun. I don't intend to become a saint in your memory or anything. I'll just be me, because I know that's enough. I'll be the best me I can be.

I really hope I'll see you again. My cousin. My friend. My brother. Forever.

So much left unsaid

You'll be in my thoughts. Always

Amen man. God bless. And goodbye... (for now)

My cousin's funeral processions were today. The hardest day I can remember. I don't think even sending my dad off to his final resting place was this hard. Maybe time has dulled the fading memory. Dad was easier to accept though.. He had a heart attack due to the lifestyle he had, eating habits mostly. Then ignored it too long, not on purpose I suppose, he thought it was gas. He was always taking antacids and stuff. They didn't work that time. So he suffered through the night. Even tried exercising. Without a blood thinner that might have made it worse. Then when he finally did get to the hospital, they explained there really wasn't much hope to even cling to.

Whereas my cousin.. he didn't do anything to cause it or make it worse; knowingly or otherwise. The hospital caused it. And gave nothing but hope. They were positive he'd be okay in a couple months. Then... gone. It happened so fast. And he was still so young. Just a little over the age of my brothers. Its still hard to wrap my head around

I remember when we finally let my dad go at the hospital. We cried and prayed, and waited. And after it was over and we were leaving. I walked into the elevator. Closed my eyes. Bowed my head. And just thought... I'll see you on the other side

I didn't like it, but I could deal. Accept. He lived a good mostly full life. Did most of the things he wanted to. Really enjoyed life. I got to spend a lot of time with him. We didn't go to many places, or actually do much. Just... hung out. Watched TV. Talked. Laughed...

For years I'd lost contact with my cousin. I don't hang out with my brothers much, my cousin did. They were into things I wasn't interested in. So I let it go. Then one night when I'm chilling at my brother's, my cousin calls him, invites him over. I tag along. Drive myself. We stay up all night. Outside, just talking. Texting on our cell phones, each of us to the woman in our lives. Though my brother's happened to be completely under the age limit, but whatever. He's an idiot sometimes. I think he had like 12 beers that night. Could barely walk whenever he got up. He left early. I stayed with my cousin the rest of the night. Something about him.. he and my brother had their own falling out of sorts. Mark grew up, my brother didn't. I did. Re-acquainting with my cousin and we hit it off big time. He was so much easier to talk to. Relate to. Listen to. More open minded and understanding. Helpful. Caring. Pretty much everything a brother could be, that neither of my brothers are.

When he was younger his family kicked him out. I don't know why. I really don't even care. But my parents took him in. I was either really young or not born yet, but he lived with my parents and my brothers. So they were definitely like brothers.

He's the one who started calling me bro, 'cause he felt like I was his little brother. And when I was younger I always really looked up to him and respected him. He always watched out for me. Respected me. Trusted me. He actually taught me a lot about character when I was younger. So he's always been the brother I've never had. Him and my dad had to have been the best influences. I've strived to be a decent person, 'cause my dad was an awesomely decent person. Now this world's lost another really decent person

But thanks to him, I now know what it's like

To have a brother, instead of just siblings

And I thank him for that. I just wish I could have had more time

So horribly untimely...

I'm wearing an earring right now. The mate to it I put in the casket. With a thank you note.

Brothers forever man

I love you

See you again someday

He's not technically my brother. But he was more of a brother to me than the two I actually have. Open minded, practical, had better common sense, easier to talk to. Always there for me...

Back when I got diagnosed with my heart condition, my cousin had to have open heart surgery. A bypass of some sort. He recovered well. Pretty much a full recovery. Couldn't ask for much better.

But these last few weeks, maybe even a month or more from what I've been hearing, he's been bruising really easily. Some just suddenly show up. I don't know what finally made him go get checked out, but they immediately detained him. Thought it was leukemia. Nobody in my family or his has had leukemia before. So it was odd. But I guess they admitted they might have caused it when he had his heart problem.

See, when they want to look at just your heart, they put this dye in your system. Its radioactive, so it shows up in x-ray type things. I forget what the "thing" is called, but I've had it done myself. You get injected with a liquid, and then wait a few for it to take effect, then you go lay down on this bed, and this big dish comes overtop of your and picks up the dye inside.

The dye they used on him wasn't the same as mine. They were both radioactive. I even got a paper I had to carry around. Apparently it sets off metal detectors. Mine was like getting ice shot into my veins. His was warm, and induced a sensation of a bowel movement... It was funny to listen to him tell that story. They injected him, and immediately, he's like "Oh man, I am so sorry" and the nurse is like "What's wrong?" and he's like "I just crapped my pants..." and she's like "Oh, that's normal. Its just a sensation this stuff gives you". Apparently pretty common for whatever it was they used

But whatever it was, they think it induced the leukemia... They also thought they got it in time. It was nothing but "we'll do this" and "we'll do that" and then you'll go home. Never once did anyone say "if this doesn't work you only have X amount of time to live". They were positive they could fix it. Just that the cancer treatment center was a lot better out of town. Top of the line. Just had to wait until a bed opened. Ship him off to start treatment. And they didn't expect he'd be there much longer than a month. Just had to wait for a space to open up. The doctor was obsessed with this hospital though. Nobody knows why. Yes, Columbus is probably the biggest city in Ohio. Probably the best hospital in Ohio. But come on. Cleveland and Cinncinnatti are huge cities too. And I know Cinn. has an awesome hospital facility. Or even Dayton or Toledo, bigger and better, hold him just long enough for an opening in Columbus.

But no, had to wait specifically for Columbus. So they induced leukemia, and now they make him wait to fix it. It drove him nuts. And he couldn't help thinking about his mortality. He had a very positive attitude though. "I know I have leukemia. And I know I'm going to beat it. I just have to get out of the starting block". He couldn't DO anything. Just sit. And wait. Couldn't even let him go home and relax and wait for an opening. The leukemia gave him hemophelia. His blood couldn't clot anymore. He could bleed to death. So he had to stay at the hospital. Stew over his own mortality. So no matter his positive attitude, there was more than enough time for doubt to sink in. And he'd break down. But overall he was really brave and strong. His kids were awesome. The youngest one would crawl up in bed with him and lay there with him for hours. Keep him company, tell him about his day. It was awesome. But if anyone had to leave, he couldn't help but think he might not be there when they got back. He couldn't even sleep. Afraid he'd never wake up. We all took the doctor's side and consoled him. Hell I was so positive he'd be alright... Geno called me at the hospital, wanting me to help do an animal rights activist thing and go save some baby deer before they were killed. And we only had a couple hour window. So I stayed with my cousin until he went out for a smoke and then Geno picked me up. I was sure I'd see him again

Anyway, they did start him on blood transfusions though. Bone marrow transplants are the main thing, but that was a job left for Columbus. But almost as soon as they started him on blood drips he started complaining about a headache. The one nurse almost tried to ignore it, but he insisted. So before she left, she asked him what number he'd give his pain. He said 12. And you almost had to snicker, 'cause the pain scale they talk about only goes from 1 to 10. So we figured he was exaggerating to get her moving, because he was irritated

All things said and done, if you're going to have leukemia, he had about the best case scenario. They were positive they could fix it. Except the pressure in his head. Nobody realized how serious it was. And I don't know if having a headache was just a conicidense to the events that happened next, or if it was actually a sign they should have looked into. Hindsight is 20/20 so I'm afraid it could have been prevented. It all could have been prevented... Regardless of rhyme or reason, his brain started bleeding the other night. Burst pressure maybe? Pressure that could cause a headache? By morning he was pronounced brain dead... Really brain dead. His body couldn't function on its own. He was well past a vegetative state... So a little after noon yesterday, his family pulled the plug. And he died less than an hour later...

And I told him he was going to be fine. I LEFT him. He thought I couldn't take being around him like that. I had every intention to go back over the weekend and see him again, console him again, explain all the details of my deer saving adventure.

I'm sorry Mark... I love you. And I hope I'll see you again someday

Keep dad company for me until then, okay?

T_T

( An enlightened and disgusted Vyk )

I hope the world at large can forgive and understand that not every american follows, agrees with (or for the most part even KNOWS) what's going on with our leaders. If there is a God may he truly save this country... Or heaven help the world at large. Things aren't looking good. Neo-conservatives are scary...

A true patriot should never be afraid to defend his country... from itself.

And another quote, though I'm not honestly sure how it goes. But its something like I would rather those in power burn the flag and wrap themselves in the constitution than burn the constitution and wrap themselves in the flag.

Scary indeed. Liberal patriotism here. And I think I shall flee from my own country before it circles the drain and gets swallowed into the abyss. Save me Jessica

Stupid people. 6/6/06 is not a satanic connotation. The year SIX was when Jesus was still alive. Fools. 6/6/6 NO ZERO. Oh well. Enjoy your delusion. Today would be a good day for suicides.

Well I'm off to the airport. Ta for now

So I still stayed up all night. Going to bed and feeling okay. I can't remember the last time. So, thank you for that gift. Pleasant dreams. Sleep sweet. And good night.

Tinkering about. I haven't slept yet. Gotta have something to do to keep myself awake. I am so dead. And my head is sore. Grawr

Yep

6am

Do you know why I'm still awake?

ø.ø

Vyk: My finger hurts
Vyk: I can't bend it
Vyk: It looks nasty as hell
Presca Vu: Whatd you do to it
Vyk: Put it in a dog's mouth
Vyk: Closed their mouth on it
Vyk: Really hard
Presca Vu: Jesus

I think I might have OD'ed

So I just saved Amber probably a thousand or so dollars

I think that deserves some appreciation

So there's this aggressive pit-bull at work that I just met for the first time today. It attacked the cage when I walked by. And kept attacking as I stood there. Long story short, 4 hours later I'm walking it outside and it's giving me kisses.

Again I wonder: What is it they supposedly see in me. Why can't people see it. Meh...

Glad last week's over. Got in an accident. Got cited. Gotta pay a fine by the 27th. Even though it was just as much the chick's fault. But I'm nice so I let it ride. Medical bills are starting to flow in. Killer. Haven't been eating or sleeping much. Shame on me. Not my fault people calling off at work and we have no reserves. So I gotta go without lunch or break. Though I dunno why I dont eat when I get home. I just got done eating before typing this so dont worry. And yes Im purposely making this a drab and simply factual update. I got pulled over last night so now I have a speeding ticket too. But, doing what I do best, being there, last night was the most worth while night I've spent in a while. I wont elaborate but I'm glad I was useful to someone. Hope things get better somehow. Someone needs to come out happy. I might lay down. I actually dreamed this morning. In the hour or so that I actually let myself rest. Take care all. Bug me if you need me. Company is welcome.

Really not sure I can stand to take much more... I can't lose anymore I can't handle it

And may God forgive those of us who try

...and when I get there: Someone's getting an ass whooping.